Since I have taken flight and left my parents after a quarrel with them, I have been torn by the decision of whether to leave or to stay with them, whether to continue my university course or end it altogether.
I have to admit that after all these persuasions by the people around me, my initial insistence and determination is now shaken, badly. I also have to admit that I am not as strong as I thought I am, thinking that I would be able to really put down everything (even my innate insecurity in leaving home to go to a strange land) for Christ. Indeed, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak.
In fact, I am still facing very strong temptations in the flesh and that I had wanted to return to my university course because it gave me some kind of false security and pride. This reason is obviously wrong and I ought to repent to God for such a wicked intention (especially about my pride). But contradictorily, on the other side, I am still hoping for a possibility for me to continue my university course and yet live as a righteous child before my God. I am still hoping that somehow I can stay by my parents and yet live a obedient life to God (since it is also pleasing to Him that I should honor my parents). Is it possible? I really do not know.
Before I left, I was very convinced that God wanted me to leave, both my parents and my university. I tried to run away from my relatives who came to fetch me at Shanghai airport with a farewell letter in my hands (albeit I failed). Multiple times, I thought of leaving them secretly. I even went to the point of buying a train ticket to set off alone, again with a farewell letter written. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. At first, it was because my relatives did not allow. But now, my insides are at loggerheads, and my heart seems to be yielding to the opposite side. What is happening to me?
I cannot help wondering, why are there so much obstacles put before me? Why did the Lord not help me to overcome all these obstacles if indeed He wanted me to leave? I know for sure that if the Lord wanted me to go this way, He would provide a way for me. But since I left Singapore, I faced only obstacles within and without. Not a single person, not even believers, gave me assurance that I am indeed following God’s will. Even I myself am doubting if the Lord really wanted me to physically leave everything behind. Is the Lord putting me through all these only to test my heart? To see if I am truly willing to give up everything for His sake? I do not know, I really don’t.
But I really don’t like this insecurity and uncertainty. It makes me feel as though I have no faith in Him, and that I am double-minded. I even strayed for a time, indulging in sinful pleasures that I once renounced. What is worse, I am now forced to bear upon myself this sin that I never wanted to commit – bearing false witness.
Because of my parents’ ignorance of God’s Righteousness and their pursuit of wordly academic excellence, they altered my birth-date at the time of my birth and I am now forced to take along false records of my birth-date on all my official documents. Now, even the authorities will not help me to amend this false record because they refuse to believe in truthful testimonies and insist on documental evidences that no longer exist. Many times, I am frustrated to the point of wanting to run away, and indignantly angry at the reluctance of people to believe in true testimonies and their vain reliance on records.
I cannot help but think that if people started to believe in God their Creator and relied on His Righteous Judgments, they would not do such wickedness and insist of maintaining falsehood (just because they cannot know for sure who is telling the Truth). God would tell them the Truth and they would not be so unjust in their decisions.
And yet I hear people (even believers) saying that I am being extreme for wanting to alter my false birth-date record since it is only a few days difference. I am even accused of torturing my parents by being so insistent and that I am not being filial by putting my parents through such trouble and sorrow. But they fail to realise that lying before God is worthy of death – eternal death in the Lake of Fire.
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Rev 21:8 KJV)
The Words of Jesus Christ (Yeshua) is as simple as that – liars will not enter the Kingdom of God. Altering birth-dates is essentially against the law (in Singapore at least), no matter what intentions you may have. There is also no such thing as a “white” lie (or a lie from good intentions), because all lies ultimately result in corrupted behaviors and harm yourself and others. If you tell a few “white” lies, sooner or later it becomes a habit and you will find yourself lying even to harm others. God puts a conscience in us, and telling “white” lies will not make anyone less guilty in their consciences.
To me, it is as simple, lying is against God’s commandments. Altering my birth-date into a false one is lying, even though the intention was not to harm others. The hospital who approved of my parents’ dishonesty essentially also bore false witness and they also violated God’s commandments. Even those who are unbelievers acknowledge that my parents’ act is wrong in essence, but yet they refuse to amend the error. Now I am forced to carry around with me falsity in all my official documents, and people not only do not support my cause, but accuse me and disregard/denounce the act of upholding honesty. Shall not the Lord God Yahweh be my Righteous Judge in this? Shall not the Lord my Saviour Jesus be indignant for my sake?
And now I am torn in this – should I stop using all these documents since they contain falsity? Or should I continue using them but disclose the Truth to all who will look upon the falsity?
I have no confidence in my flesh, because after all these trials I’ve been through, I now know how weak and wicked I really am. Indeed, every inclination of my heart is wickedness. (Genesis 6:5) If the Lord does not save me from this wretched state and this wretched world, who will?
blessedbeour’ElYahweh 